When people gush in the pages of Hello! magazine that ‘we are just good friends’, one senses that the relationship is probably heading straight for the rocks. St Aelred, c.1110-1167, abbot of the Cistercian abbey of Rievaulx, does not use the word ‘friend’ so lightly. Indeed, friendship for him is synonymous with love and he is impassioned in defending it from those who would debase its true meaning.

His little classic is as readable today, in this new attractive paperback edition, as it must have been when the manuscript was first transcribed by his devoted community. As a young man Aelred was very influenced by Cicero’s De amicitia and quotes from it admiringly in his own work; but he makes the distinction between Christian and pagan friendship very clear.

His book, divided in 3 parts, with a long gap during its composition, takes the form of a dialogue between himself and three monk-friends: at first Ivo, then much later, Walter and Gratian. This device with its questions and responses enables the author to consider and refine what true spiritual friendship is about.

Daringly, he changes the statement ‘God is love’ to ‘God is friendship’, an ideal to which all human friendships should aspire. Those friendships which are self-serving or based on flattery or which do not seek the other’s greatest good, are rejected as false friendships, to be shunned or terminated. If friendships can be virtuous, for Aelred they can also be ‘vicious’. This is fighting talk, but he is nothing if not human, delighting in ‘companionship of soul’ – anam chara in Irish – and recognising that despite human defects, having once received a person in his friendship ‘I cannot do otherwise than love him’. Only betrayal will ruin friendship - as Judas discovered.

But Aelred insists, following his divine Master, that love should remain even when the friendship is destroyed, for we must continue to will the ultimate good of our erstwhile friends, viz. their salvation. Aelred puts in perspective the fatuous remark of E M Forster, that if he had to choose between betraying his country or betraying his friend, he hoped he would choose the former. Even if the history of the Cambridge spies did not inform us, it is obvious that this is an absurdity: if you are prepared to betray your country it is probable that such behaviour will spill over into personal relationships. But then, Forster’s idea of the rarefied love between the Cambridge Apostles is a far cry from Aelred’s sense of the real ‘apostolic’ bond. If Bloomsbury meant triangles living in squares, Aelred’s model is Trinitarian rather than triangular.

Should we admonish our friends when we see them falling from grace? Quoting St Ambrose, the author believes ‘the wound inflicted by a friend is more tolerable than the kisses of flatterers’. Behind the spiritual friendship of two people there is always, for Aelred, ‘the sweetness of Christ Himself’ – the perfect friend who mediates the charm and consolation of our human companions.

Despite its formal style and quaint syntax, this is a most modern book on a profound subject for we all need friends and ‘he is entirely alone who is without a friend.’ Perhaps it needs to be more widely read in order to rescue the real meaning of friendship? Those hopeful couples, reclining on the casting couches of Hello! magazine might come a cropper – but a friendship made in Christ will never die.

© 2004 Francis Phillips

Theotokos Catholic Books - Book Reviews Section - www.theotokos.org.uk