This book is a thoughtful, insightful and compassionate response to the question of homosexual orientation, from a Christian perspective. It is very timely. It needs hardly be stated that the wider society takes a confused and contradictory stance over this subject, both wanting to be genuinely caring instead of merely condemnatory (as in the past), yet labelling the Christian viewpoint, when people have the courage to state it, as “homophobic” and prejudiced. Thus the author, an American priest of more than twenty years’ pastoral experience, fulfils a very real need with his wise counsel. Father Benedict Groeschel, CFR, who has worked with Fr John Harvey, the founder of “Courage” which helps those with this orientation to lead holy lives, has written the foreword.

Unusually, the format of the book is a dialogue between a priest, “Fr JP”, Sam, a young, secular Jew, his girlfriend Margie, a Catholic and Jeremy, Sam’s old high school friend, who is a lapsed Catholic and homosexual, now living with another man. Later in this conversation we are introduced to BillyLu, a lesbian acquaintance of Margie’s. Such a format has been chosen so that readers can participate and “move the dialogue forward beyond what is written” and, more importantly, to help them enter the emotional world of those with same-sex attraction “and learn to love them as Christ would.”

This last purpose is, rightly, the leitmotif of the whole narrative. Behind Jeremy’s anger and defensiveness, his belief that the Church has let him down, and BillyLu’s outward toughness, is a yearning to be loved for their own sake and a longing for a lasting relationship. The task of Fr JP (the initials suggest the name “John Paul” and the author is clear about his debt to the late Pope, who emphasised that “Man cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of self”) is to gently yet skilfully lead his youthful listeners to a better understanding of the nature and demands of real love.

Jeremy speaks for all those of a similar orientation when he tells the priest “I always knew I was different”; he wants to be accepted for what he is and describes the relief of no longer having to pretend to be “like everyone else”. The anguish he has experienced is revealed by his remark about his current partner, “God didn’t want me to continue suffering.”

The book also discusses the key passages in Scripture that are usually bandied about in this debate, either to justify a change in Church teaching or to prove how punitive the Bible (and therefore Christianity) really is. Fr JP’s skilful explanations here are very useful for people who have been caught up in arguments with those who are hostile to a Christian response. As the priest says to Jeremy, “In making any [Biblical] interpretation we have to discern whether we are truly trying to understand God’s word, or whether we are justifying our position with Scripture.”

Nature/nurture questions are also raised; while Fr JP explains to Jeremy there is no scientific proof of a “gay gene”, he does accept that a genetic component is present in a “natural orientation towards certain gifts, talents and dispositions...perhaps emotional vulnerability.” This leads to the question: where do we find our identity? In keeping with recent research (the author provides a comprehensive list of references and resources at the end of the book) Fr JP discusses with his listeners the subconsciously unhealthy relationships that can occur in families - and in particular, for a boy, a wounded or absent relationship with his father; this, coupled with the inherited features mentioned above, can bring about the same sex orientation. Defects in family relationships, he reminds them, are part of our inheritance after the Fall and affect all families in some degree.

Again, painful issues are faced, aggressively by Jeremy and later BillyLu, and patiently and lovingly by the priest. For BillyLu, “sex between any committed couple...is just as holy as sex in any Christian marriage”; for Jeremy, “How can we be intrinsically good when the Catechism says we are “objectively disordered?” Fr JP tries (not always succeeding; the dialogue attempts to be realistic) to show his listeners the distinction that the Church makes between the sin that is “disordered” and the person/sinner who is loved by God. He also puts the homosexual issue in a wider theological/human context by pointing out that all sins against the true expression of sexuality, such as adultery, fornication, and contraception, separate us from God.

Finally, the author, through the persona of Fr JP, addresses the question as to whether it is possible to change one’s orientation. Again, in line with research, he stresses the importance of having healthy friendships with one’s own sex. This is where Sam and Margie’s role in the book comes into play. Those with same sex orientation need to find good role models among their own sex to help them overcome their sense of exclusion and inferiority. Key to this is Fr JP’s statement that “Since our true identity is based on relationships, to the extent that we can enter into new relationships, heal old ones and give priority to some over others, we can take control and transform our identity.”

For those who struggle, but find that although they can change their behaviour they cannot change their orientation, the priest refers to the “special martyrdom to the chaste and sacrificial love we see in Christ.” The Gospel parable that he most often mentions is that of the Prodigal Son; the Gospel story he comes back to again and again is that of the woman taken in the act of adultery, where he ponders Christ’s beautiful words of compassion to her: “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.”

These, then, are the themes of the book. I have described them in some detail because Fr Waiss’s contribution in these pages deserves a large readership in order to dispel the widespread ignorance, false compassion and genuine anguish that surround the subject, even within the Church. Having read it, I asked myself two questions: how effective is the dialogue format? Would it convince someone outside the Christian tradition? In answer to the first, there is inevitably an element of artifice and stiltedness to the dialogue – but I still think it brings a freshness and immediacy to the debate that is lacking in more conventional treatments. As to the second, some people have always found Christ’s sayings too hard and have walked away from Him, but for those of goodwill who are prepared to read without bias, nothing is impossible.

At the end FR JP emphasises to Jeremy, who has decided to change his life, the need for prayer and frequent reception of the Sacraments. These are indispensable, as indeed I was told only recently by a dear friend who, having this “disorientation” as he calls it, leads an exemplary Christian life full of friendship and charity. And as Shakespeare - who should have the final word - asks so memorably in Love’s Labours Lost: “Who can sever love from charity?”

© 2009 Francis Phillips

Theotokos Catholic Books - Book Reviews Section - www.theotokos.org.uk