Many modern books on marriage treat it as a formula which can be successfully acquired: how to snare your man, how to keep him, how to be sexually compatible. They have turned an estate of sacred dignity into a commodity to be bought. The great strength of this book is the kindly wisdom of the Christian perspective on marriage which Josephine Robinson brings to her theme. Married herself for many years to the broadcaster Robert Robinson, she writes with warmth, humour and compassion on this most natural and ancient state, much undermined in recent years.

The book begins by demonstrating why alternatives to marriage, such as cohabitation, generally do not make for happiness. Selfish individualism, the state’s requirement for female labour, and feminism are seen as the three ways in which marriage is threatened in our age compared to the past. ‘Some women seem to have lost sight of the understanding that men and women complement, rather than replicate, each other.’

Marriage is shown as good both for the couple and for children: married couples are generally happier and live longer than the single or the divorced; children in a stable, two-parent family flourish better than those from broken homes. There are exceptions, of course – but why is it so hard for people today to accept the obvious truth of the above remarks? The author is never judgemental or censorious in her comments; recognising the wisdom of the Church in upholding monogamous, faithful marriage, she is also sensitive to the sorrow of those who do not experience it.

Chapter 8, ‘Difficulties’, takes an honest look at the problems of marriage: psychological difficulties in one of other of the spouses, deep temperamental differences between a couples, or whatever. Writing as a woman of prayer and faith, the author conveys a message of hope in sad circumstances. ‘The mutual ‘gift’ lifts both spouses onto a different plane, where even sadness, some loneliness and much irritation can be subsumed into love – a deep wish for the good of the other.’ ‘Divorce never; murder often’: most couples whose marriages endure recognise an element of truth in this witticism.

It is this kind of love that lasts, after the intoxication of ‘being in love’ inevitably comes to an end. If wedded bliss is to replace bedded bliss it has to be patient, tolerant and understanding. Unlike the trite message of the film ‘Love Story’, Josephine Robinson is adamant that love always means ‘having to say you are sorry.’ Again, quality time, whether for spouses or children, is, she forcibly states, ‘something which no-one really believes in.’ How good to hear this said.

It is interesting to read, in her chapter on ‘Openness to life’, when she cites the baneful influence of the Lambeth Conference of 1930, which allowed contraception only for married couples – a completely unworkable idea – that Freud, father of psychoanalysis and himself an atheist, commented: ‘We describe a sexual activity as perverse if it has given up the aim of reproduction and pursues the attainment of pleasure as an aim independent of it.’ Sex, as philosophy lecturer Janet Smith is quoted as saying, ‘is for bonding and babies.’

There are also excellent chapters on the practical matters attending engagements and weddings; on natural birth regulation; on the great fulfilment of raising a family. Many topics are covered, and information given, in a most readable style. The author does not preach but also does not try to hide the fact that if we stick to the rules of sex and marriage designed by God, we will be happy – if not always clap-happy.

There are some infectious touches of Catholic humour: in the section on married saints – which includes an old favourite, St Thomas More, and a new one, Franz Jagerstatter – the author sees no reason why ‘Mrs Bloggs at No 17’ should not be ‘up there with St Peter and St Paul.’ All that prevents her cause being investigated is the lack of a pushy reverend mother.

Above all, the author emphasises that the love of a couple is a gift, mirroring the love between Christ and His Church. I have one point of contention: advising women not to be slovenly in their appearance she adds, ‘but I am not suggesting diamonds at breakfast time.’ Why ever not?

© 2004 Francis Phillips

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